Where are you?
In a non slutty way
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
