Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I won the penis lottery.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I party with great urgency now.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
