You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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