he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
