i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
