You made me cry and you don't even care
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
