he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
