Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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