Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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