please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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