apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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