thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
