hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
