I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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