Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
