Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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