I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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