She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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