If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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