P.S. I can't hear my feet
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
