I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
