So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
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