Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
