Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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