I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
