"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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