Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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