dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
