happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
