Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Sober January is a disaster.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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