another moral hangover. fuck.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
