What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
