He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
