Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
