My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
