I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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