Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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