This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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