this beer tastes like vomit already
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
