I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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