I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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