Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
