i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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