I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
