I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
