My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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