If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
