Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
