He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
