One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
