bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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