My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
