So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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