it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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