Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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