I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
