i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Randomize
