dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
