Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
