Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.